The more I read...
I need to learn to just stay away from Stephenie Meyer related material. I mean, really, I could be concentrating on writing I like or working on my own writing, trying to overcome a two year long case of writer's block as it comes to my original fiction.

But no. Instead, I find myself digging more and more into her batshittery and wondering why the hell people are so fucking in love with her.

Take this interview with Entertainment Weekly:



If you pitched the first book to publishers as a ''suspense romance horror comedy,'' which of those do you think your books are most?
I think that it's romance more than anything else, but it's just not that romance-y. It's hard to nail down, but romance tends to be my favorite part of any book or movie, because that's really the strongest emotion. Orson Scott Card is my favorite: The romances are a small part of his books, but they bring his people to life.

So...it's not much romance...but the romance is the most important part? Come again? And romance is the strongest emotion? Bitch, PLEASE. That beautiful dreamworld you live in much be interesting. Because from my experience, hate and fear are the most powerful emotions. Although romance is enough to keep someone who's otherwise intelligent in an abusive relationship for three years, so maybe you're onto something. Romance is strong enough of an emotion to completely fuck up your logic and keep people from seeing Edward for what he really is. So...okay. I submit to your thinking in this case. Romance is strong and it will probably get a few of your readers abused and/or killed in the future, all in the name of "love."

Have you read Bram Stoker's Dracula?
No, but it's on the list. I should've read that one a long time ago, but right now I can't read any vampire novels. I tried, after I wrote Twilight, to read The Historian, because it was the big thing that summer. But I can't read other people's vampires. If it's too close [to my writing], I get upset; if it's too far away, I get upset. It just makes me very neurotic.

...okay, I can almost give you a pass on having not read Dracula because I know other fans who haven't read it or haven't read it all the way through. And really, Dracula isn't everyone's cuppa. I feel like, though, if you're a vampire AUTHOR you should have at least read Dracula OR the first three books of Anne Rice's vampire series (Interview with the Vampire, The Vampire Lestat, the Queen of the Damned). Because those are the formative books in modern vampire mythology.

And let me guess. By the vampires not being like yours, you mean the vampires being the bad guys, right? Because vampires are pure, beautiful, misunderstood creatures? Because they're not creatures of the dark but creatures of the light? Because vampires will never hurt you?

Watching Buffy would be torture for you. Will keep that in mind.

Is it true you've never seen a vampire movie?
I've seen little pieces of Interview with a Vampire when it was on TV, but I kind of always go YUCK! I don't watch R-rated movies, so that really cuts down on a lot of the horror. And I think I've seen a couple of pieces of The Lost Boys, which my husband liked, and he wanted me to watch it once, but I was like, It's creepy!

...The Lost Boys is CREEPY? Lady, part of the beauty of The Lost Boys is that it's so cheesey and quintessentially 80's. And you couldn't watch the TV edit of Interview?

Wait, let me repeat that:

you couldn't watch the TV edit of Interview?

My desire for a vampire book panel featuring Smeyer and Laurel K. Hamilton increases. Because if they're BOTH that defensive on their views of vampires and horror? It would devolve into a cat fight. And I'd Youtube that fucker quicker than you can say "I don't drink...wine."

Given how fast you write, they better get the presses ready.
[Laughs] Sometimes it also makes me nervous. [My fans] count on me to be a fast writer, with a once-a-year release schedule, which, you know, isn't entirely fair. I mean, how long did they give J.K. Rowling? [Laughs] She gets a good couple of years between her books, and [Eragon author] Christopher Paolini gets two or three, too. But I know fans want [the new books], and you wanna give them what they want.

...yes, but what you're missing here is that J.K. Rowling's books were, ya know, good. That she took the time between books to try and flesh out her characters and get things together. Her characters actually grew and changed and had goals and feelings and stuff. Your characters are like Barbie and Ken dolls with nametags on them. And occasionally you roll the Ken doll around in glitter and make him say things like "Do I dazzle you?"

But what's she got planned for the future? SIMPLE!

But then I also have this other novel that's probably a [young adult] story about mermaids, which was always a favorite thing of mine growing up.

...bitch, step AWAY from the mermaids. NOW.